the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
