i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
