The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
