God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
