Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
