You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This is classic penis vs brain.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
