I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
