with your own penis?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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