This is not my ceiling
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
