dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
