My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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