how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
