I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
