dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
