just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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