I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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