I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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