If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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