I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
