apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
