she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
