i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
