I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
