i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
