My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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