my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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