So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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