Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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