Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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