thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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