You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
