I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
