Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
