Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
