We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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