All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
