just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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