i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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