I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
