mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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