she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
