watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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