My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
