im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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