My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
