I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
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