so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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