Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
