I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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