Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
