There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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