Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
