girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
