she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
