just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
FUCK WHALES
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
